Monday, May 9, 2011

Where I've Been

Whew, it's been a while! We're expecting our second child in November, and I've been ill with hyperemesis the past few months.

Hyperemesis is something I struggled with when pregnant with Margaret, so I knew a bit of what I was in for this time, but I never imagined how hard it would be to be bedridden and so, so sick while trying to care for a toddler all day. There were a lot of grey days where I tossed Margaret an oatmeal bar and just prayed we would make it until 5:30 when Daddy would be home.

I had a lot of guilt. It was an enormous effort just to tend to my little girl's most basic needs - 2 meals, a clean diaper, and a nap. There were no outings, no art projects, no chalk pictures in the back yard. Some days it was a challenge just to speak to her. She watched a lot of Little Bear, ate mostly junky boxed foods (though my mom really helped out by finding some healthy pre-packaged meals for her), and ran wild in the house while I divided my time between the couch and the bathroom.

It was so hard for me knowing she was suffering for a choice I had made, a choice that seemed largely selfish at the time. One afternoon when I was crying on the phone to my mom, Margaret climbed up onto my lap, stroked my cheeks and hair, and signed "sad" and "cry" on my face.

We've finally made it through the worst, it seems, and I'm to a place where I can function fairly well throughout the day. Now I'm focusing on my girl. We have a lot of time to make up for.